Mommy Mondays {Walk By Faith}

I have been over and over in my head about writing this (...or not) and finally decided that it needs to be shared. Many of you may already know, many more are praying and hopefully many more will join us in praying. I apologize in advance for the extremely long post...

Any one who knows me knows one thing- I am an eternal optimist. But recently my perfect little world was shattered, blown to bits, more like a huge atomic bomb went off (and I was left walking through the smokey mess)...but at least I was walking!

Two Sundays ago I woke up to my husband, Adam, having (what I consider) a violent seizure and called 911. I was a mess. On one hand I had the 911 operator on speaker phone and frantically dialed my sister's cell phone in the other. I honestly do not know how much sense I was making- it was a blur and I described everything in broken fragments between sobbing as best I could- stroke was the only thing that came to my mind and all it's devastating results. Only by the grace of God was I able to calmly communicate with the kids that Daddy would be alright and to go in the playroom (and thank God they did without any question or hesitation).

Though I tried my best to catch Adam's attention or to calm him down, I was helpless until the seizure ended and he just rolled over and went into a deep sleep. I met the EMT at the door and took them upstairs. Thank goodness he woke up, though clearly confused it was the first time since the seizure he had clearly had control of his body. Then a new fear consumed me when they asked him how old he was... "I don't know" - followed by another wrong answer as to what day was it..."Tuesday?" he said. I could almost hear the angels singing though when the third question came- What year is it... I held my breath until he answered and then breathed the biggest sigh of relief when I heard it, "2011".

I had to wait for my sister (April) to arrive to take care of the kids so Adam went on with the ambulance. Later, I would find out that he did not remember a thing about Sunday morning except for waking up in the ambulance. I rode to the hospital with my brother in law (Ronald) and by the time we reached the ER we (non-doctors) had already diagnosed him with dehydration- phew, what a relief! This was an easy assumption because the entire night before Adam and the boys were all up pretty much every hour on the hour throwing up. We go through this virus at least once a year so it was pretty much just going through the motions until it ran it's course...but seizures had never been part of it's course.

It took everything I had not to suffocate Adam from one big endless hug when we walked into his room to see him smiling in a hospital gown. Slowly, I began thinking "thank goodness the worst is over" as they hooked him up to his second bag of IV fluids. A few minutes passed and they came to roll him back for a routine CTscan for seizure patients. Ronald and I talked more about the dehydration and how nice that was all it was. He explained more to me about seizures (from growing up with his Dad who had epilepsy).

It didn't seem like too much time passed before they were wheeling him back in. Ronald had stepped out to call my sister and get a plan together because she had decided that no matter what she was not going to let me stay up there by myself. We laughed at how Ronald was pumping himself up to go look after a brood of 5 kids (theirs + ours). About that time the ER doctor came back and updated us on everything that had been going on but had more information that pretty much not only caught us all off guard, left us completely speechless. It only took the few words of "we found what appears to be a mass on your brain" to send my fears spiraling again but I some how managed (in the very loose definition of the words) to maintain some composure. The next step would be an MRI on the recommendation of the neurosurgeon that had already looked over Adam's CTscan remotely. I was impressed with the speed and flow of information and how quickly the staff reacted and cared for Adam.

April arrived and Ronald headed home with all the kids by the time the nurses came to take Adam back for the MRI. As she wrote down phone numbers and names to call I just had to take a walk in the hallway and found a momentary escape around the corner in a small bathroom. Only for a moment I allowed myself to let go and cry, cry louder and then cry more. Knowing that more tears would come I did the best I could to wash up and prayed with all my heart. I walked back in the room to give Adam a hug and a kiss.

While Adam was in the MRI, April and I took a walk to the general waiting room. While she called, I texted (I just could not talk without breaking into tears again). I texted updates and could feel the prayers of everyone who was already praying for us. I remember just telling myself, we are in God's hands over and over again.

We were already in the room when they brought Adam back. The medication that they had given him to help prevent any further seizures was already settling in as his memory of earlier conversations became a little fuzzy. Though the one thing he could remember clearly was that he had a mass on his brain. Again, time passed quickly and it seemed like in no time the ER doctor was back to share the results of the MRI. He had already conferred with the neurosurgeon who again viewed the scans remotely and confirmed to us what they labeled as a low grade mass. We held on to every word- clinging to the positives "low grade", "front right of brain", "small", etc. We were informed that Adam would be admitted overnight and the neurosurgeon would be around to see us soon and discuss a little more.

That is where time slowed down. The minutes on the clock seemed not to progress much at all. In my mind, we were moving in slow motion- almost frozen in time. I was relieved that Adam found distraction by watching the Giants game on TV and checking his fantasy football team. That let me know that he was ok- frustrated a bit and yelling at the players on the TV, but to me that was peaceful.

By the time the neurosurgeon came I think we had both had all the news we could stand for the day. It seemed like I had been through every emotion humanly possible and I was exhausted. We both listened to the semi-scientific explanations. I was impressed with the doctor's patience with our questions and his calm voice. Again, I hung on to every positive word and let the others go in one ear and out the other...low grade, small, right side...followed by the information that I know God just needed us to hear- "it appears to have been there for a while and not a result of the seizure, the brain is not negatively reacting to it". In a summery he told us that we were in a very positive situation having discovered it in this manner and that there was no emergency action needed so scans and medications can be used to figure out what the next steps would be.

When we settled in Adam's new room in the tower (with a much bigger TV for watching football!) I started to google the term that the neurosurgeon had used but I could not remember it exactly so I typed what I could remember... it sounded like glaucoma (but of course I knew that was not it). So I typed in the search "brain gl"... and glioma quickly filled in the rest. I clicked one of the top links and got as far as a definition of "A glioma is a type of tumor..." then I closed the browser. I had enough for one day and was just going to let that sink in and hold onto all the positive information that we had received as long as I could.

I spent the night with Adam just so I could hear him breathing, the same as I did with all our children when they were newborns, I knew that if I just heard them breathing or wiggling around that they were ok. The next day went pretty quickly with the routine shift changes, blood drawing, medication and meal deliveries. Adam was in great spirits, felt normal and was ready to go home. We made it through the day with the stash of chocolate and snacks that Farise had brought us the day before and a nice morning Starbucks that April had brought us. I really do not know how the hours would have went without the thoughts, prayers and support of our family and friends- I am literally astounded and humbled at the amount of love they have for us. Though clearly not his favorite arrangement, that afternoon I drove us home (he can not drive for six months) and we have been adjusting to our new life ever since.

As a long story comes to a close, we are just beginning on a new journey for our family that while at first was extremely frightening we now appreciate our life and our family at an extremely different level. For that and so many other things I am thankful. When things like this happens you find yourself thinking about the worst possible scenarios- but we are glad that those fears have been replaced with hope for the future and appreciation for the present. Time spent together is so much more important now, even if it's just watching Monday night football together. The little things that may have caused an argument suddenly are not worth the time we give them to interrupt our day. Playing catch with the kids, a sweet kiss on the cheek, even washing the dishes I treasure each and every moment.

We have always been aware and acknowledged God's plan for our lives- we met in middle school, began dating in high school, married after college, started a family, started a business, moved into our first house and so much more with our fate in God's hands. So we will not take a step further without the same blind faith that we have always had. We are both extremely thankful for everything God has blessed us with and know without a shadow of a doubt He has a wonderful plan for us!

Jeremiah 29:11-12
‎"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you".

** Our first appointment with the neurosurgeon is on Thursday, we will continue to keep everyone updated and appreciate all your prayers and very kind words! Love you all :)