Paying My Last Respects to Supermom (AKA, Mrs. Perfect)

A couple weeks ago many joined in celebrating International Women's Day and I read so many inspiring stories, posts and encouraging quotes circulating around social media. If anything, reading more is definitely one of the biggest perks of being a nursing momma (besides the big money savings on formula). Several echoed the same principle focus and have been really laying heavy on my heart. We as women have come so far- leaps and bounds over those first brave generations who fought for the right to work, equal pay, higher education, and the list could honestly go on forever. The sisterhood we find in each other and the strength and bravery that can result is resounding, however many times we are also our own worst enemies. We construct our own internal glass ceilings. Through the mounds of articles that filtered across my screen, a few stood out to me, but one in particular (link at the bottom).

Comparison can easily be considered the death of creativity and individualism. The grass always looks greener and the house shines from outside looking in. It's so easy to see someone, especially a beautiful, strong, successful woman and think "Wow, she's got it all together!"

And if that beautiful, successful woman happens to be a mom too...well, then she has instantly skyrocketed to "Supermom" status. She is the envy of all the desperate housewives on her block and in her newsfeed. She has the husband, the house, the car, the well behaved kids, mad cooking skills, perfect punctuality and that darn perfect hair that we all long for. We smile and wave because she's also ridiculously sweet but mumble under our breathes any fraction of something negative we can find... was that a wrinkle in her shirt, wrong shade of lipstick, a stray gray hair, her voice is too high yep-that's it??!? Geeeeze, there has to be something- ANYTHING we can find to make her seem more human, more imperfect... more like us.

And that my friends is the reality- we are all imperfect and there is absolutely no "perfect"--- fill in the blank... life, woman, child, wife, husband, boss, etc. We are human and all have the one (or two or three vices that we struggle with). Do not put anyone on a pedestal and think to yourself "if only I was more like them." It's one thing to find inspiration but another to think that you are not enough.

The author of the article focused on what a freeing experience it was to learn that a Supermom that she admired had a cleaning lady that helped around the house. What a relief it was to realize that she was not alone in being spread in a million different directions and having to choose between a clean home and sanity. Wait, there's a third option!  It's encouraging to know that through our imperfections we find common ground and come back to a place of supporting each other.

Well, I have a secret that evolved from a similar experience. And it was just as freeing once I realized the hold it had on me. I haven't shared it before except with my husband, so here it goes.

Early on in our marriage we both worked full time jobs. Household chores, laundry and keeping the house clean was a breeze for just two people. Though I am not as neat and tidy as my husband it wasn't too hard for me to find a few minutes to keep up with his OCD organization tactics and even create a few myself. Enter children into the mix and our neat and tidy world quickly crumbled- actually, imploded may be a more accurate description. I noticed more and more that my husband would be very tired and a little on edge at the end of the day or when returning home from business trips. I wish I had realized sooner rather than later that this was in direct correlation to things falling behind at home. Our weekends were spent neck deep in toilet bowls, dishes and laundry. At the time I was still working full time outside the home and honestly my tolerance for clutter and chaos was waiving it's white flag of surrender and bless his heart, he was trying to continue the fight. However we were both definitely feeling the weight of the loosing battle.

But, when I put it all together that the state of the house was the source of the mounting frustration it was a huge leap forward in our communication. Plain and simple, dis-order stressed him out. Through the years we worked together to decrease my workload outside the home until finally taking the leap of faith for me to transition into my photography business full time. I scheduled sessions and meetings around our families schedule and made it a priority to clean or at least straighten up the day he came back in town (because with kids the reality is "nice and clean" definitely will not last long). Problem solved... temporarily.

Fast forward to four kids and an equally increased sports schedule for the kids and traveling schedule for the hubs, we found ourselves right back in that same yucky situation. We both struggled to encourage each other and not let frustration take over. He understood, I understood. We were at a cross roads and then he said those words. "I think we need a cleaning service." Now, I know what you are thinking- YES!!! Let's Celebrate!!! I would throw a party if I heard that!!! But I was devastated.. All I heard in my head was "You can't handle it. It's too much for you. You failed."

I was defeated. You see, in my competitive mind I needed to be Supermom. I already had left the Corporate America workforce and the shadow of my framed MBA degree hung over me daily. I needed to somehow increase my value at home to exceed the income earning potential I left behind. I had made keeping the house in order part of my "salary" as a photographer/mom that had the perks of working from home.

I needed the "win". I had finally found my stride with my photography business, finding a happy balance with loyal clients, school portraits and a flexible schedule. I needed to be able to do it all, to keep it all together, be everything to everybody. I needed to be the entrepreneur with a successful business, the mom who volunteered, who was at the practices and games, baked the brownies, organized car pool, made lunches and along with my husband cook dinner AND kept an organized and tidy house- was that too much to ask??? Yes.

Yes it was- it was selfish. I fought him on it for a few weeks and then one day as I was on my third attempt to unload the dishes before getting distracted yet again when I laughed to myself and thought- What the heck am I fighting this for?! This is crazy!

I was liberated! It was almost the same excitement as when a good friend told me the jeans she was wearing that I complemented her on were actually leggings!!! Ahhhh, life forever changed!!!! I was the only one putting those demands on myself. Why in the world would I choose to make something harder on myself and my family than it has to be. Because of some stereotype of "perfection" I had created in my own head? Nope! So, I quit- I said good-bye to Supermom and let her go peacefully.

I realized that I do not have to be everything to everybody, that my worth was not measured in doing everything perfectly. I learned that saying "No" to some things was ok and it didn't make be a bad person for not being over-committed. All I ultimately want to do is be a good person, make sure my children know me with all my flaws and love me anyway. I want to be a great wife, mom, amazing friend and an encourager. I do not have to have my hand be the one that does it all to have it all :)

The other day as we were all in the kitchen cooking dinner together KK, our 4 year old asked to watch Alexander (and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Bad Day). We all began talking about how much we liked that movie. Hudson then said "I really like his mom, she's nice like you, Mom." And that's all I needed to hear to know that my change in perspecitive was right on point! Not only was I for a brief moment compared to Jennifer Garner (Yaay, love her!) but I was his idea of the perfect mom... not "perfect" (in the traditional sense), not "successful" or even "super-organized"... I was "nice and loving".


I am happy to report that we are quite enjoying having the help that just one day a week has given us. We still do a ton of chores together but the long weekends of laundry, dishes and cleaning floors are long gone!

There's more time with our kids for homework, sports activities and simple cuddles on Family Movie Nights. And let's not forget blogging ;)

There are a lot of words that we can use to describe [strong, inspiring, successful] women and moms. The challenge is which ones to let go of so that we can all reach our greatest potential.

I hope in sharing this that you can also be inspired to bid farewell to Supermom (AKA Mrs. Perfect). May she forever rest in peace. And for goodness sake, if your husband says "Let's get a cleaning service" don't hesitate! And to my husband, Thanks, babe!!! I'll take that over flowers and chocolate any day!


xoxo!

Link to article referenced above:
The statement that changed my life forever.